H. Upmann No 2 – Wild Yak Beer - Glenfarclas 21-Year-Old
Had a squizz back through the records as I figured that both the Upmann 2 and the Glenfarclas 21-Year-Old must have both figured in Kenfessions before. And they have, though only once each and not as a combination. The beer? Well, it was just one of those perfect afternoons. So down for a read and a cigar.
The wildlife was in full swing, to provide some extra entertainment. Rosellas in the trees, a young scrub turkey (when I was somewhat younger than I might be these days, scrub turkeys were very wary of any humans and would disappear as fast as they could – now, not a problem. They will happily forage just feet from you if you stay reasonably still), the occasional sea eagle overhead and plenty of other birds, plus a young bearded dragon, happily sunbathing. He didn’t mind when I came close for a look, but what does scare the bejeesus out of them is any shadow from a passing bird. If you have ever seen a hawk take a dragon, and they can take dragons several times bigger than they are, you can easily understand why.
Last time it was me ranting about the imbecilic government not locking looney tunes up for the term of their natural. I am not allowed to access a website in Australia which promotes camaraderie and the use of a perfectly legal, if heavily taxed, product.
Allow me to recap.
Despite the government censoring me in such a truly draconian and 1984-esque manner, I can, if I wish, access pornography and sites with reports about kiddy fiddlers and serial killers. I can watch reality TV, and if that is not a blight on civilization, hard to think what is.
But, and this is worth revisiting, the buffoons in charge allow me to read about Malcolm Brenner and his alleged exploits with a dolphin? Quite how the dolphin got into his rubber room is never explained. Seems Mr Brenner wrote a book (not one that spent much time at the top of the New York Times Bestsellers list, I'd venture to guess), which he now claims is autobiographical (if the flipper fits) that back in the 70s, he was in love with, and bonking, a dolphin named Dolly. He does claim that Dolly seduced him. Really?
How is he not in gaol? Surely the laws for animal cruelty, bestiality and common sense should have seen him locked away for the term of his natural? “The animal seduced me”, is not a recognised defence. It does seem that even this demented mooncalf has his limits, saying “I wouldn’t be sexually attracted to male dolphins. As an adult, I’m heterosexual, although I cross species lines.” Perhaps next time, try bonking a taipan.
Large butterfly nets at the ready, please, but while he is wandering the streets, the government is determined to make certain that no one can read about cigars.
On what planet is it okay for me to be able to read about this whackjob, or about what the 15th Kardashian’s third cousin had for breakfast, but not in order for me to engage with like-minded individuals in an intelligent (mostly) discussion on matters pertaining to a legal product that brings great pleasure to many adults. Time the Oxford had a serious look at itself because the word, ‘civilisation’, does not belong within its pages. We have none.
As I mentioned at the time, you’d think that this would be the first time I've ever written about some sad, deluded, imbecilic dolt and their relationship with a dolphin. It is not. You could not make that up.
Sharon Tendler. A middle-aged British woman, obviously open to alternative lifestyles, made the headlines about a decade ago for, yes, marrying a dolphin. The dolphin, a male, was called Cindy, short for Cinderella. You reckon that poor animal didn’t have issues. This was no one-night stand. Apparently, Ms Tendler, who made mega-millions as a concert promoter (Pfish? Hootie and the Blowfish? The Wailers – see what I did there?), had been visiting Cindy for fifteen years at Eilat in Israel.
A ceremony was held, the bride wore white and they swapped mackerel (some reports claim it was conflict-free herring, though quite what a ‘conflict-free’ herring is, is beyond me). I will say again, I am not making this up. Sharon announced at the end of the ceremony that she was, “the happiest girl on earth” (and presumably underwater). She added, “I am not a pervert”, thereby ruling out a career in the British Parliament. The dolphin was not quoted.
Shortly after, when newspapers announced, ‘The End of the Sharon Era’, many Israelis mistook that to mean that Sharon and Cindy had broken up (he’d lobster?), rather than thinking of their ailing PM. Okay, I made that up.
The wedding song? To the tune of ‘That’s Amore’, ‘if the cod starts to scream when you pour in the cream, that’s a mornay’. All right. I made that up as well. But surely the champagne would have been Billecart-Salmon. What a tailor roe!
It would appear I have digressed.
The Upmann had an easy draw and the construction looked fine – and so it proved. It started impressively and continued so throughout. It was well under medium body, although it got a little hot and earthy towards the finish – not a crime for a young smoke. About midway, it developed a very pleasant sweetness. Pale brown, it smoked nicely from the outset. Hints of hay, caramel, and stonefruit. The stonefruit worked very well with the beer, which was floral and fruity. But the real match was with the whisky. Good construction, clean flavours, there were also some pleasing woody notes.
To be honest, I am more inclined to see much richer, deeper, darker flavours, with this cigar. Some roasted nuts and a lovely molten chocolate wave. But it is what it is. 90.
The Glenfarclas. Glorious. Hints of almond and orange rind. A smooth creamy texture, terrific length and balance. Wonderful stuff and it worked superbly with this incarnation of the Upmann 2.
You can’t hope for better than that. Perhaps Bremmer and Tendler could have fired one up to celebrate their lifestyle choices.
I have a range of the aged Glenfarclas malts and after today, I think it we might be seeing more from this distillery in upcoming Kenfessions.
KBG
